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Monday, June 10, 2013

Anxious.

It has been about a month since I have posted on this blog.  Which is really ridiculous since after my last post I have had several close family and friends tell me that they enjoy reading it and are glad that I am doing it.  I just sort of hit a rough patch there and lost focus on a lot of things.

I have debated back and forth about whether or not I should post anything about what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks.  I ultimately decided that I could no longer be secretive about it or continue to feel ashamed and guilty.  It needs to be talked about just as much as VBAC needs to be talked about because I don't think it is discussed much at all amongst pregnant women or mothers.  So, here it goes.  Just so you know, I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this.

With my first pregnancy all I felt was excitement and joy.  Sure I had my moments where I was anxious and worried about my baby, but it wasn't overwhelming just normal thoughts and concerns.  This time around, in the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing overwhelming anxiety and depression.  So much so that I discussed it with my midwife at my last appointment.  She told me it happens to a lot of women during pregnancy due to the hormonal changes going on in the body and can lead to postpartum depression.  That scares me.

I have dealt with depression since I was 16.  Its not hard for me to recognize and seek help when it comes.  For some reason this time it has been overwhelming.  Perhaps it's because it is accompanied with intense anxiety.  I have experienced anxiety before but nothing like this. 

I have only ever heard about postpartum depression.  There isn't much discussion out there regarding antepartum or antenatal depression.  It effects about 20% of pregnant women.  From my personal experience with it, it is awful!  I have lost focus on pretty much everything.  I'm not eating very well either which is putting my baby at risk.  Not to mention the never-ending stressed-depressed-anxious feelings I am constantly having that is also putting my baby at risk.  

Now, I am not talking about this here because I want you to feel sorry for me.  I am talking about it because it isn't talked about.  Until a week ago I didn't know this was something that affected pregnant women.  Had I not read about it in a birth story that I read a few weeks ago I would have never thought pregnancy could bring about depression and anxiety.  And now that I am experiencing it, I want other pregnant women to be aware of it and not feel ashamed or guilty. 

I am figuring out ways to cope with my antepartum depression.  I'm continuing to go to my water aerobics class which helps and I'm relying more on my faith and relationship with my Heavenly Father to get through it.  At this point I have chosen not to take any medications for it because everything crosses the placenta and I don't want the medication to affect my baby. 

If you are experiencing antepartum depression let your care provider know.  They will help you understand that you aren't alone and you aren't broken.  There are a number of ways to deal with it, whether it be exercise, talk therapy, or medication.  You have to begin taking care of it so your baby isn't put at risk.