We are nearing the end of this pregnancy and the excitement is building. I feel sooo much better emotionally than what I had been feeling a few months ago. I'm back to cooking and cleaning again and I am much more patient with my little 2 year old Sunshine. Life is going pretty great right now. Time to switch things up, right?
Joe and I have been attending our Hypnobirthing class for the past 3 weeks. We have one more session and I'm kind of sad about it. It has been a great bonding experience for us. He has been supportive in helping me practice the different relaxation techniques and is totally on board with it all, even though some of it may seem a bit cheesy. This class has made us complete believers in painless natural birth. Any woman is capable of having a painless natural birth, she just needs the right tools to get her there.
The fears and anxieties I have been feelings are pretty much gone. I feel confident and empowered that things will go how I want them to this time around. Thanks to the Hypnobirthing class, I am going to have an awesome birth! I can't wait to blog about the entire experience on here.
I have been busy getting things ready for baby girl. Her room was cleared out last week. Since moving into our home it had become a "catch all" room. Now, it just has a crib and a rocking chair. I'm excited to decorate it over the next few weeks and get a dresser and a few other things in there.
Sunshine graduated from a toddler bed to a twin size bed. She transitioned well and loves her new bed. She is so excited to be a big sister. She talks about her baby sister every day and asks when she will be here. She can't wait and neither can we!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
11 Weeks
**Warning** this is a very "scatter-brain" like post.
We are in the third trimester and time seems to be slipping away. Nothing too exciting has been going on. I did take my glucose test which is always enjoyable. I was told no news is good news and I haven't had a phone call about it since taking the test 2 weeks ago so I guess I'm good. Word of advice for those of you who will be taking it in the future...if you have a choice, choose the lemon-lime flavor over the orange flavor, it's so much better! I was given the orange one when I was pregnant with Sunshine and it was absolutely awful. This time I was given a choice. I went with the lemon-lime after seeing that there were 100+ orange flavored drinks and about 10 lemon-lime flavored drinks in the fridge. It was only half as awful as the orange, still awful, but not as awful.
This pregnancy seems to have flown by. Every week I get a little bit more anxiety as time just slips away. This dang anxiety I have been dealing with is just terrible. I'm hoping the Hypnobirthing class Joe and I will be taking will help to ease that.
Oh, yeah, Joe and I signed up to take the Hypnobirthing class at the hospital. It's a 4 session course and each class is 3 hours long. There are several girls in my ward who have taken the class and told me it's a must if you're attempting a drug-free natural birth. They teach you breathing techniques and visualization techniques and other things to deal with the pain of childbirth. I am hoping it will work well for Joe and I. I have A LOT of anxiety about this birth, I'm assuming because of my experience with Sunshine's birth, and there is some risk and a lot of uncertainties.
I was thinking about hiring a doula, but I don't think I will. I have a hard time getting to know people and feeling comfortable around them so I worry that I won't do well with a doula, somebody I don't know. I'm hoping Joe and I will be able to handle it all together. I don't know.
Several people have said something along the lines of "Oh, you must be ready for that baby to come." Honestly, I'm not. There are countless reasons why, along with my fears and anxieties. If you've met Sunshine you know how crazy that girl is. She has a ridiculous amount of energy and is extremely strong-willed. I ask myself everyday "How am I going to handle another one?!" I honestly don't know, but it is really starting to stress me out. I love my little Sunshine so much, but man, she is a handful!
Joe and I still haven't named this little girl yet. We keep saying we need to, but we really haven't thought or talked much about it. Probably because of all of my underlying issues. I also haven't started making a baby blanket for her. Her room is a complete mess, and just has a bunch of random junk in there. No paint has been picked for her room. I haven't gone through my large stash of baby items yet to see what I will need for her. I just keep putting it all off.
Don't get me wrong, she is a wanted child and she is loved. The trauma that I experienced when Sunshine was born has really made this pregnancy difficult. I haven't found a way to move past it and maybe I won't. Maybe what it will take is having a successful, positive birthing experience this time around. But that is still an unknown and is still very scary to me.
I'm grateful to have a husband who is very supportive and lets me cry at random and will comfort me whenever I need it. I'm grateful he has been there through my crazy thoughts and crazy emotions. (I really think I am going crazy). And I am grateful to Sunshine for being so caring whenever I cry. She always hugs me and kisses me and tells me to be happy. I don't think I could deal with this anxiety and depression without them. I am also grateful for this little baby girl in my belly. I really want this experience to be the best for both of us. I love her already.
We are in the third trimester and time seems to be slipping away. Nothing too exciting has been going on. I did take my glucose test which is always enjoyable. I was told no news is good news and I haven't had a phone call about it since taking the test 2 weeks ago so I guess I'm good. Word of advice for those of you who will be taking it in the future...if you have a choice, choose the lemon-lime flavor over the orange flavor, it's so much better! I was given the orange one when I was pregnant with Sunshine and it was absolutely awful. This time I was given a choice. I went with the lemon-lime after seeing that there were 100+ orange flavored drinks and about 10 lemon-lime flavored drinks in the fridge. It was only half as awful as the orange, still awful, but not as awful.
This pregnancy seems to have flown by. Every week I get a little bit more anxiety as time just slips away. This dang anxiety I have been dealing with is just terrible. I'm hoping the Hypnobirthing class Joe and I will be taking will help to ease that.
Oh, yeah, Joe and I signed up to take the Hypnobirthing class at the hospital. It's a 4 session course and each class is 3 hours long. There are several girls in my ward who have taken the class and told me it's a must if you're attempting a drug-free natural birth. They teach you breathing techniques and visualization techniques and other things to deal with the pain of childbirth. I am hoping it will work well for Joe and I. I have A LOT of anxiety about this birth, I'm assuming because of my experience with Sunshine's birth, and there is some risk and a lot of uncertainties.
I was thinking about hiring a doula, but I don't think I will. I have a hard time getting to know people and feeling comfortable around them so I worry that I won't do well with a doula, somebody I don't know. I'm hoping Joe and I will be able to handle it all together. I don't know.
Several people have said something along the lines of "Oh, you must be ready for that baby to come." Honestly, I'm not. There are countless reasons why, along with my fears and anxieties. If you've met Sunshine you know how crazy that girl is. She has a ridiculous amount of energy and is extremely strong-willed. I ask myself everyday "How am I going to handle another one?!" I honestly don't know, but it is really starting to stress me out. I love my little Sunshine so much, but man, she is a handful!
Joe and I still haven't named this little girl yet. We keep saying we need to, but we really haven't thought or talked much about it. Probably because of all of my underlying issues. I also haven't started making a baby blanket for her. Her room is a complete mess, and just has a bunch of random junk in there. No paint has been picked for her room. I haven't gone through my large stash of baby items yet to see what I will need for her. I just keep putting it all off.
Don't get me wrong, she is a wanted child and she is loved. The trauma that I experienced when Sunshine was born has really made this pregnancy difficult. I haven't found a way to move past it and maybe I won't. Maybe what it will take is having a successful, positive birthing experience this time around. But that is still an unknown and is still very scary to me.
I'm grateful to have a husband who is very supportive and lets me cry at random and will comfort me whenever I need it. I'm grateful he has been there through my crazy thoughts and crazy emotions. (I really think I am going crazy). And I am grateful to Sunshine for being so caring whenever I cry. She always hugs me and kisses me and tells me to be happy. I don't think I could deal with this anxiety and depression without them. I am also grateful for this little baby girl in my belly. I really want this experience to be the best for both of us. I love her already.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Anxious.
It has been about a month since I have posted on this blog. Which is really ridiculous since after my last post I have had several close family and friends tell me that they enjoy reading it and are glad that I am doing it. I just sort of hit a rough patch there and lost focus on a lot of things.
I have debated back and forth about whether or not I should post anything about what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks. I ultimately decided that I could no longer be secretive about it or continue to feel ashamed and guilty. It needs to be talked about just as much as VBAC needs to be talked about because I don't think it is discussed much at all amongst pregnant women or mothers. So, here it goes. Just so you know, I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this.
With my first pregnancy all I felt was excitement and joy. Sure I had my moments where I was anxious and worried about my baby, but it wasn't overwhelming just normal thoughts and concerns. This time around, in the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing overwhelming anxiety and depression. So much so that I discussed it with my midwife at my last appointment. She told me it happens to a lot of women during pregnancy due to the hormonal changes going on in the body and can lead to postpartum depression. That scares me.
I have dealt with depression since I was 16. Its not hard for me to recognize and seek help when it comes. For some reason this time it has been overwhelming. Perhaps it's because it is accompanied with intense anxiety. I have experienced anxiety before but nothing like this.
I have only ever heard about postpartum depression. There isn't much discussion out there regarding antepartum or antenatal depression. It effects about 20% of pregnant women. From my personal experience with it, it is awful! I have lost focus on pretty much everything. I'm not eating very well either which is putting my baby at risk. Not to mention the never-ending stressed-depressed-anxious feelings I am constantly having that is also putting my baby at risk.
Now, I am not talking about this here because I want you to feel sorry for me. I am talking about it because it isn't talked about. Until a week ago I didn't know this was something that affected pregnant women. Had I not read about it in a birth story that I read a few weeks ago I would have never thought pregnancy could bring about depression and anxiety. And now that I am experiencing it, I want other pregnant women to be aware of it and not feel ashamed or guilty.
I am figuring out ways to cope with my antepartum depression. I'm continuing to go to my water aerobics class which helps and I'm relying more on my faith and relationship with my Heavenly Father to get through it. At this point I have chosen not to take any medications for it because everything crosses the placenta and I don't want the medication to affect my baby.
If you are experiencing antepartum depression let your care provider know. They will help you understand that you aren't alone and you aren't broken. There are a number of ways to deal with it, whether it be exercise, talk therapy, or medication. You have to begin taking care of it so your baby isn't put at risk.
I have debated back and forth about whether or not I should post anything about what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks. I ultimately decided that I could no longer be secretive about it or continue to feel ashamed and guilty. It needs to be talked about just as much as VBAC needs to be talked about because I don't think it is discussed much at all amongst pregnant women or mothers. So, here it goes. Just so you know, I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this.
With my first pregnancy all I felt was excitement and joy. Sure I had my moments where I was anxious and worried about my baby, but it wasn't overwhelming just normal thoughts and concerns. This time around, in the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing overwhelming anxiety and depression. So much so that I discussed it with my midwife at my last appointment. She told me it happens to a lot of women during pregnancy due to the hormonal changes going on in the body and can lead to postpartum depression. That scares me.
I have dealt with depression since I was 16. Its not hard for me to recognize and seek help when it comes. For some reason this time it has been overwhelming. Perhaps it's because it is accompanied with intense anxiety. I have experienced anxiety before but nothing like this.
I have only ever heard about postpartum depression. There isn't much discussion out there regarding antepartum or antenatal depression. It effects about 20% of pregnant women. From my personal experience with it, it is awful! I have lost focus on pretty much everything. I'm not eating very well either which is putting my baby at risk. Not to mention the never-ending stressed-depressed-anxious feelings I am constantly having that is also putting my baby at risk.
Now, I am not talking about this here because I want you to feel sorry for me. I am talking about it because it isn't talked about. Until a week ago I didn't know this was something that affected pregnant women. Had I not read about it in a birth story that I read a few weeks ago I would have never thought pregnancy could bring about depression and anxiety. And now that I am experiencing it, I want other pregnant women to be aware of it and not feel ashamed or guilty.
I am figuring out ways to cope with my antepartum depression. I'm continuing to go to my water aerobics class which helps and I'm relying more on my faith and relationship with my Heavenly Father to get through it. At this point I have chosen not to take any medications for it because everything crosses the placenta and I don't want the medication to affect my baby.
If you are experiencing antepartum depression let your care provider know. They will help you understand that you aren't alone and you aren't broken. There are a number of ways to deal with it, whether it be exercise, talk therapy, or medication. You have to begin taking care of it so your baby isn't put at risk.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Fear.
There are people in my life who are glad I am documenting my VBAC journey and who are encouraging me to express my feelings and desires. There are also people in my life who think I am being a little dramatic. Perhaps this is true, perhaps I am being a bit dramatic.
I have been thinking about this for a few days now. Trying to convince myself that I am being irrational and that a VBAC is not that big of a deal. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I know the statistics by heart. I have, on average, a 70% chance of success. At the nurse-midwife clinic I have a 90+% chance of success. The chances of a uterine rupture are about 1 in 200. The chances of a catastrophic uterine rupture are about 1 in 2000. The odds are in my favor. Its not that big of a deal. I am not fearful of attempting a VBAC. The complications that could occur do not scare me.
So why make such a "big deal" out of it?
I have major fears of the hospital staff that I will have to work with. I fear that, like Sunshine's birth, I will lose control of the situation. I fear that this birth will be dictated by someone else and my desires and wishes will be ignored. I fear that intervention after intervention will be done without proper consent, which will then create complication after complication. Honestly, the labor pain does not scare me. I am looking forward to feeling every part of labor. I just hope that there is no interference from any hospital staff.
These fears come from my experience during Sunshine's birth. (Click here to read her birth story) When asked about Sunshine's birth I always get a weird, disappointed look when I tell them that it was not a good experience. When I first started saying that to people I felt bad that I felt that way. I mean, it was my daughter's birth and she came out healthy and safe so why would I feel that way? The truth is though, that it wasn't all roses and ponies. It was terrifying and traumatic. Since her birth I have become more and more aware of those feelings. It was an experience that affected me deeply and continues to affect me.
A VBAC is a big deal to me. It is MY chance to regain control. It is MY chance to prove to myself that I am in charge of the birth and I am accountable for the end result based on MY choices. My body knows what to do, it was created to birth. It was created to birth naturally, in its own way and in its own time.
Thank you to all of you for your support.
I have been thinking about this for a few days now. Trying to convince myself that I am being irrational and that a VBAC is not that big of a deal. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I know the statistics by heart. I have, on average, a 70% chance of success. At the nurse-midwife clinic I have a 90+% chance of success. The chances of a uterine rupture are about 1 in 200. The chances of a catastrophic uterine rupture are about 1 in 2000. The odds are in my favor. Its not that big of a deal. I am not fearful of attempting a VBAC. The complications that could occur do not scare me.
So why make such a "big deal" out of it?
I have major fears of the hospital staff that I will have to work with. I fear that, like Sunshine's birth, I will lose control of the situation. I fear that this birth will be dictated by someone else and my desires and wishes will be ignored. I fear that intervention after intervention will be done without proper consent, which will then create complication after complication. Honestly, the labor pain does not scare me. I am looking forward to feeling every part of labor. I just hope that there is no interference from any hospital staff.
These fears come from my experience during Sunshine's birth. (Click here to read her birth story) When asked about Sunshine's birth I always get a weird, disappointed look when I tell them that it was not a good experience. When I first started saying that to people I felt bad that I felt that way. I mean, it was my daughter's birth and she came out healthy and safe so why would I feel that way? The truth is though, that it wasn't all roses and ponies. It was terrifying and traumatic. Since her birth I have become more and more aware of those feelings. It was an experience that affected me deeply and continues to affect me.
A VBAC is a big deal to me. It is MY chance to regain control. It is MY chance to prove to myself that I am in charge of the birth and I am accountable for the end result based on MY choices. My body knows what to do, it was created to birth. It was created to birth naturally, in its own way and in its own time.
Thank you to all of you for your support.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Ultrasound
We had our ultrasound this morning at the Maternal-fetal Medicine Clinic at Intermountain Medical Center. It was a lot of fun! Since we've had a child before I was able to better see what was going on. The baby is healthy - no cleft lip, healthy heart, healthy organs, 10 fingers, and 10 toes. The placenta is in a great position and my uterus looks great as well. We've been given the official okay to try for a VBAC! We are so excited! We also found out what we are having. We had pretty much convinced ourselves that we were having a boy because everything has been different with this pregnancy and we were hoping for a boy. As it turns out, we're having another girl! We're still excited! This just means we'll have to try for another one in a few years :)
Sunshine had a lot of fun watching the monitor. We would tell her what she was looking at and she would get all excited. She was really excited to hear the heartbeat again, that was her favorite part. The clinic gave us a DVD of the ultrasound so we'll probably watch it a few times before she is born to help Sunshine get more used to this whole baby thing.
Thanks for the positive thoughts. Also, thank you for reading about our journey. I feel like my writing is mediocre, but I wanted to share this with family and friends and anyone else who may be going through this process of attempting a VBAC. Thanks again!
Sunshine had a lot of fun watching the monitor. We would tell her what she was looking at and she would get all excited. She was really excited to hear the heartbeat again, that was her favorite part. The clinic gave us a DVD of the ultrasound so we'll probably watch it a few times before she is born to help Sunshine get more used to this whole baby thing.
Thanks for the positive thoughts. Also, thank you for reading about our journey. I feel like my writing is mediocre, but I wanted to share this with family and friends and anyone else who may be going through this process of attempting a VBAC. Thanks again!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Mother's Day Book Hunt
As you know Mother's Day is approaching and I have been asked by my thoughtful husband what I would like for a gift. I really want books. Not just any books but books about birthing and motherhood. I have two books on my list so far. The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth written by a long list of LDS women. The other book is Spiritual Midwifery, written by Ina May Gaskin.
Do you have any other suggestions? I am trying to get prepared for natural birth mentally and spiritually. I am also wanting to better myself as a mother for my daughter. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks!
Do you have any other suggestions? I am trying to get prepared for natural birth mentally and spiritually. I am also wanting to better myself as a mother for my daughter. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Getting Cleared for a VBAC
When I was about 6 weeks pregnant I made an appointment for a free consultation with the nurse midwives at IHC's Intermountain Medical Center. The first question I asked was, "Can I do a VBAC?" I was told that they do a lot of VBACs and all of the midwives in the clinic were very supportive of VBAC. The nurse midwife also told me they had a high success rate but she wasn't sure of the exact number.
After thoughtful consideration I decided to put my care in the hands of the nurse midwives at IMC. It has turned out to be a good decision. They are willing to answer any and all of my questions honestly. At my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks we went over my history. I told the midwife what had happened with my first child. She told me I was the perfect candidate for a VBAC. I was thrilled!
At my 15 week appointment I asked about the ultrasound and what the procedure was in their office. She said that because I was doing a VBAC I had to go to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine clinic and have the doctors there do my ultrasound. The reason being, if I end up needing another cesarean section then one of those doctors will be called in to do it. I was told that in addition to checking out the baby and making sure it is healthy the doctor would check to make sure the placenta isn't covering the uterine scar. If the placenta is covering the uterine scar then I won't be able to do a VBAC.
We have our ultrasound appointment next Monday. I am nervous but at the same time I feel like everything is okay. It's just one more hurdle to jump over on our journey to having a successful VBAC. We are grateful that we are being given the opportunity at all. Joe watched the VBAC portion of More Business of Being Born with me last week. Watching it again buoyed me up even more. Knowledge is power! The battles for VBAC that women previously had to face are becoming less and less. It is awesome! I'm grateful for those women who fought before me so I don't have to fight much at all.
Another thing the midwife told me at my last appointment was their VBAC success rate. She said it is over 90%! That's much higher than the average with is around 75%. We are excited! Hopefully the baby will be happy and healthy in it's cocoon and hopefully everything will be well with my scar.
After thoughtful consideration I decided to put my care in the hands of the nurse midwives at IMC. It has turned out to be a good decision. They are willing to answer any and all of my questions honestly. At my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks we went over my history. I told the midwife what had happened with my first child. She told me I was the perfect candidate for a VBAC. I was thrilled!
At my 15 week appointment I asked about the ultrasound and what the procedure was in their office. She said that because I was doing a VBAC I had to go to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine clinic and have the doctors there do my ultrasound. The reason being, if I end up needing another cesarean section then one of those doctors will be called in to do it. I was told that in addition to checking out the baby and making sure it is healthy the doctor would check to make sure the placenta isn't covering the uterine scar. If the placenta is covering the uterine scar then I won't be able to do a VBAC.
We have our ultrasound appointment next Monday. I am nervous but at the same time I feel like everything is okay. It's just one more hurdle to jump over on our journey to having a successful VBAC. We are grateful that we are being given the opportunity at all. Joe watched the VBAC portion of More Business of Being Born with me last week. Watching it again buoyed me up even more. Knowledge is power! The battles for VBAC that women previously had to face are becoming less and less. It is awesome! I'm grateful for those women who fought before me so I don't have to fight much at all.
Another thing the midwife told me at my last appointment was their VBAC success rate. She said it is over 90%! That's much higher than the average with is around 75%. We are excited! Hopefully the baby will be happy and healthy in it's cocoon and hopefully everything will be well with my scar.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)