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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

11 Weeks

**Warning** this is a very "scatter-brain" like post.

We are in the third trimester and time seems to be slipping away.  Nothing too exciting has been going on.  I did take my glucose test which is always enjoyable.  I was told no news is good news and I haven't had a phone call about it since taking the test 2 weeks ago so I guess I'm good. Word of advice for those of you who will be taking it in the future...if you have a choice, choose the lemon-lime flavor over the orange flavor, it's so much better!  I was given the orange one when I was pregnant with Sunshine and it was absolutely awful.  This time I was given a choice.  I went with the lemon-lime after seeing that there were 100+ orange flavored drinks and about 10 lemon-lime flavored drinks in the fridge.  It was only half as awful as the orange, still awful, but not as awful. 

This pregnancy seems to have flown by.  Every week I get a little bit more anxiety as time just slips away.  This dang anxiety I have been dealing with is just terrible.  I'm hoping the Hypnobirthing class Joe and I will be taking will help to ease that.

Oh, yeah, Joe and I signed up to take the Hypnobirthing class at the hospital.  It's a 4 session course and each class is 3 hours long.  There are several girls in my ward who have taken the class and told me it's a must if you're attempting a drug-free natural birth.  They teach you breathing techniques and visualization techniques and other things to deal with the pain of childbirth.  I am hoping it will work well for Joe and I.  I have A LOT of anxiety about this birth, I'm assuming because of my experience with Sunshine's birth, and there is some risk and a lot of uncertainties. 

I was thinking about hiring a doula, but I don't think I will.  I have a hard time getting to know people and feeling comfortable around them so I worry that I won't do well with a doula, somebody I don't know.  I'm hoping Joe and I will be able to handle it all together.  I don't know.

Several people have said something along the lines of "Oh, you must be ready for that baby to come."  Honestly, I'm not.  There are countless reasons why, along with my fears and anxieties.  If you've met Sunshine you know how crazy that girl is.  She has a ridiculous amount of energy and is extremely strong-willed.  I ask myself everyday "How am I going to handle another one?!"  I honestly don't know, but it is really starting to stress me out.  I love my little Sunshine so much, but man, she is a handful!

Joe and I still haven't named this little girl yet.  We keep saying we need to, but we really haven't thought or talked much about it.  Probably because of all of my underlying issues.  I also haven't started making a baby blanket for her.  Her room is a complete mess, and just has a bunch of random junk in there.  No paint has been picked for her room.  I haven't gone through my large stash of baby items yet to see what I will need for her.  I just keep putting it all off.

Don't get me wrong, she is a wanted child and she is loved.  The trauma that I experienced when Sunshine was born has really made this pregnancy difficult.  I haven't found a way to move past it and maybe I won't.  Maybe what it will take is having a successful, positive birthing experience this time around.  But that is still an unknown and is still very scary to me.   

I'm grateful to have a husband who is very supportive and lets me cry at random and will comfort me whenever I need it.  I'm grateful he has been there through my crazy thoughts and crazy emotions.  (I really think I am going crazy).  And I am grateful to Sunshine for being so caring whenever I cry.  She always hugs me and kisses me and tells me to be happy.  I don't think I could deal with this anxiety and depression without them.  I am also grateful for this little baby girl in my belly.  I really want this experience to be the best for both of us.  I love her already.