Fear.

There are people in my life who are glad I am documenting my VBAC journey and who are encouraging me to express my feelings and desires.  There are also people in my life who think I am being a little dramatic.  Perhaps this is true, perhaps I am being a bit dramatic.

I have been thinking about this for a few days now.  Trying to convince myself that I am being irrational and that a VBAC is not that big of a deal.  Maybe it is and maybe it isn't.  I know the statistics by heart.  I have, on average, a 70% chance of success.  At the nurse-midwife clinic I have a 90+% chance of success.  The chances of a uterine rupture are about 1 in 200.  The chances of a catastrophic uterine rupture are about 1 in 2000.  The odds are in my favor.  Its not that big of a deal.  I am not fearful of attempting a VBAC.  The complications that could occur do not scare me. 

So why make such a "big deal" out of it?

I have major fears of the hospital staff that I will have to work with.  I fear that, like Sunshine's birth, I will lose control of the situation.  I fear that this birth will be dictated by someone else and my desires and wishes will be ignored.  I fear that intervention after intervention will be done without proper consent, which will then create complication after complication.  Honestly, the labor pain does not scare me.  I am looking forward to feeling every part of labor.  I just hope that there is no interference from any hospital staff.

These fears come from my experience during Sunshine's birth.  (Click here to read her birth story) When asked about Sunshine's birth I always get a weird, disappointed look when I tell them that it was not a good experience.  When I first started saying that to people I felt bad that I felt that way.  I mean, it was my daughter's birth and she came out healthy and safe so why would I feel that way?  The truth is though,  that it wasn't all roses and ponies.  It was terrifying and traumatic.  Since her birth I have become more and more aware of those feelings.  It was an experience that affected me deeply and continues to affect me.

A VBAC is a big deal to me.  It is MY chance to regain control.  It is MY chance to prove to myself that I am in charge of the birth and I am accountable for the end result based on MY choices.  My body knows what to do, it was created to birth.  It was created to birth naturally, in its own way and in its own time.

Thank you to all of you for your support.

Ultrasound

We had our ultrasound this morning at the Maternal-fetal Medicine Clinic at Intermountain Medical Center.  It was a lot of fun!  Since we've had a child before I was able to better see what was going on.  The baby is healthy - no cleft lip, healthy heart, healthy organs, 10 fingers, and 10 toes.  The placenta is in a great position and my uterus looks great as well.  We've been given the official okay to try for a VBAC!  We are so excited!  We also found out what we are having.  We had pretty much convinced ourselves that we were having a boy because everything has been different with this pregnancy and we were hoping for a boy.  As it turns out, we're having another girl!  We're still excited!  This just means we'll have to try for another one in a few years :)

Sunshine had a lot of fun watching the monitor.  We would tell her what she was looking at and she would get all excited.  She was really excited to hear the heartbeat again, that was her favorite part.  The clinic gave us a DVD of the ultrasound so we'll probably watch it a few times before she is born to help Sunshine get more used to this whole baby thing.

Thanks for the positive thoughts.  Also, thank you for reading about our journey.  I feel like my writing is mediocre, but I wanted to share this with family and friends and anyone else who may be going through this process of attempting a VBAC.  Thanks again!

Mother's Day Book Hunt

As you know Mother's Day is approaching and I have been asked by my thoughtful husband what I would like for a gift.  I really want books.  Not just any books but books about birthing and motherhood.  I have two books on my list so far.  The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth written by a long list of LDS women. The other book is Spiritual Midwifery, written by Ina May Gaskin. 

Do you have any other suggestions?  I am trying to get prepared for natural birth mentally and spiritually.  I am also wanting to better myself as a mother for my daughter.  Any and all suggestions would be appreciated!  Thanks!