Birth story

I have been meaning to write this for quite some time but I haven't been able to find the time.  Who knew keeping a 2 year old and a newborn alive would be so much work?

So, on Oct. 8, I was 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  I had an appointment with one of the midwives that day.  I was nervous about this appointment because of my previous cesarean.  I was nervous about the conversation I knew we would inevitably have.  I knew I would have to make a decision and I didn't know what options they would give me.  The midwife checked the baby's heartbeat and it was perfect.  She then checked my cervix.  I was one centimeter dilated and almost 50% effaced, and the baby's head was not engaged.  Her head was not in the best position to put enough pressure on my cervix.  The midwife gave me a bishop's score of 3, which means I wasn't a good candidate for induction because it more than likely wouldn't work.  I was given three options.  Option 1: I could go into labor and delivery that night and have a foley balloon inserted into my cervix.  They fill the balloon with water and it dilates your cervix to 4 centimeters.  Sometimes this is enough to get things going, but if not then they have to start pitocin which greatly increases my risk of uterine rupture and cesarean section.  Option 2: I could schedule an ultrasound to make sure the placenta is still supporting the baby well and two non-stress tests during the next week and keep waiting and hope that nothing goes wrong.  Option 3: I could schedule a cesarean section.  I was in tears.  I decided to talk to Joe about it and call the midwife that afternoon and let her know my decision.

After my appointment I called Joe at work and he told me to pray about it and he would support whatever decision I made.  I knew I wasn't going to schedule a c-section, I wasn't willing to give up just yet.  After praying and pondering I decided to schedule the ultrasound and non-stress tests.  I just felt like the baby needed a little more time, and I wasn't willing to take the risk of the foley balloon.

After my appointment I felt a lot more pressure in my pelvis than I had been.  She had finally dropped.  I think having my cervix checked stirred things up a bit because I began to have more frequent contractions that were a little stronger than the braxton hicks contractions I had been having for weeks.

The rest of the day I had a huge desire to just take a nice long bath, but wasn't able to until after Sunshine went to bed.  I finally got to take a bath around 9.  I got in and Joe played my Hypnobirthing birthing day affirmations CD.  I was finally able to relax after the stress of the day and that's when the contractions started coming stronger and closer together.  It was finally happening!  I finished my bath and got ready for bed.  I turned on another relaxation track and tried to sleep.  We called Joe's sister and put her on alert.  We called her again at about 1 and asked her to come down so we could go to the hospital.

We got to the hospital at about 2:00 AM.  I was monitored for an hour and my cervix was checked.  I was dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced.  I hadn't made much progress in the hour that I was there.  They suggested that I go home and labor there.  The longer I stayed in the hospital as a VBAC patient the more likely I was to have a c-section.  So we went home. We slept in between contractions which wasn't much sleep at all.  By the time morning came we were both very tired.  We ate breakfast and around 9:30 we decided to head back to the hospital.

The contractions were getting much closer together and stronger with each one.  We got to the hospital around 10 that morning.  I was 5 centimeters and 50 or 70% effaced, I can't remember exactly.  I decided to get in the jetted tub and labor in there.  I labored in the tub for about 1 & 1/2 hours.  The contractions were becoming unbearable and I couldn't handle them anymore.  I couldn't relax my body anymore to let it do its job.  They were close together and so strong my entire body shook.  I told everyone that I couldn't do it anymore and needed an epidural.  The midwife thought I might be near the end and checked me.  I was 5 centimeters and 80% effaced.  Her head was still turned slightly and wasn't putting enough pressure on my cervix.  I was exhausted at that point and I knew that if I continued laboring without an epidural I would be in labor for many more hours because I couldn't relax anymore.  Joe and my midwife tried to encourage me to continue but after explaining what was happening they agreed that I needed the epidural.  So I got the epidural and I was in heaven.  I do not regret that decision at all.  After getting the epidural my water broke and I was fully dilated, fully effaced, and ready to push within 2 hours.  The midwife was concerned that because her head was turned the wrong way that they would have to vacuum her out or worse, perform a c-section.  Thankfully baby girl turned her head right when she needed to.  I pushed for 30 minutes and she was born.  It was an exhilarating experience and one I will never forget.  She was put on my stomach immediately and then placed on my skin.  We got to bond right away and it was just beautiful.  We did it!  We had a successful VBAC!

I wouldn't change anything about our labor and delivery.  Joe was a wonderful support the entire time and the midwife who delivered me was so wonderful!  I loved laboring at home for the majority of the time.  It was more comfortable and more bearable.  I enjoyed feeling the sensations of labor.  I never realized how powerful my body is until I felt the power in those contractions.  Birth is beautiful and I so loved experiencing a vaginal birth. 

Our baby girl was born October 9, 2013 at 2:53 PM.  She weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and was 21 inches long.  She is beautiful and we love her so much.  We are glad to have her in our family.

   Photo credit: Tif Photography

What's in the Bag?

My friend asked on Facebook for some advice on what to take with her to the hospital.  There were sooo many suggestions from many, many women.  I told her I would send her my list since I finished packing my bag yesterday.  I decided to post my list on my blog.  So here it is:

Paperwork

• Drivers license
• Insurance card
• Birth preferences - multiple copies
• Wallet

For Labor and Delivery

• Washcloths
• Tennis balls
• Chapstick
• Hair ties, brush
• Snacks (crackers, granola bars, beef jerky - for Joe.  The hospital won't bring you food but you can bring your own.  The midwives said I could eat during labor.  Most practitioners won't allow you to eat, so ask for some privacy and sneak a granola bar if you really need it.  I hear labor is a lot of work or something ;) so you just may need that energy.  Also, I had Sunshine just before midnight and all they could offer me after her birth was saltine crackers because the kitchen was closed.)
• iPod player
• Birthing ball
• Extra pillows (Just in case the hospital ones are crappy.  Be sure to put colored pillow cases on them so they don't get whisked away.) 
• Camera/charger
• Video camera/charger
• HypnoBirthing booklet for Daddy to reference.
• Essential oils
• Swimsuit (I am going to request a birthing pool in my room.  I'm bringing this so I don't have to show off my goods to the world.)

Hospital Stay - Mommy

• Flip flops for shower
• Toothbrush/toothpaste
• Deodorant
• Comb
• Hair ties
• Shampoo/Conditioner 
• Soap
• Lotion
• Face wash
• Dry Shampoo (I had a c-section last time and couldn't shower, only spit bath.  The hospital didn't have any dry shampoo so my hair was really gross.)
• Lanolin lotion
• Nursing pads
• Poise pads (I know the hospital has them, but I took a couple just in case)
• Robe
• Slippers
• Socks
• Underwear
• Nurse sleep bras (I only wear these for the first few weeks post-partum because of breastfeeding.  Your breasts change so much and it can be painful.  Sleep bras help support but don't put too much pressure on your boobies).
• Pajamas (I didn't pack these because I don't want to risk getting them ruined from bleeding.  I just wear the hospital gowns, but some women prefer their own pajamas).
• Going home outfit (Don't pack your pre-pregnancy skinny jeans, they won't fit just yet.  I packed some sweatpants and a t-shirt).
• Prenatal vitamins (Keep taking these while you breastfeed).
• Phone/charger
• Blow dryer/straightener (I can't just hang around with wet hair, it bugs me too much.)
• Nursing pillow
• Wet wipes (For me to freshen up if needed). 

Hospital Stay - Baby

• Going home outfit
• Hat 
• Swaddling blanket/heavy blanket for ride home
• Carseat
• Baby mittens (Sunshine came out with razor sharp claws and I was too nervous to trim them.  The Gerber Baby brand has the best ones I think.  They're smaller for their tiny hands). 
• Diaper bag (You can leave it in the car.  You never know what could happen on the way home, haha.)

Miscellaneous

• Photo albums of Sunshine as a baby
• Gift for Sunshine from baby sister. 

I didn't pack anything for Joe, and I didn't pack anything for him last time either.  We don't live too far from the hospital so he will just go home to shower and change.  He probably won't be staying at the hospital with me anyway because its way too uncomfortable for him and Sunshine will need him to be home with her.

The items under the paperwork and labor and delivery sections are all in one small backpack.  I told you in my last post what happened with our bag last time.  This time it won't be such a hassle to bring it in with us as soon as we get to the hospital.  Everything else is in another bag to be brought into the hospital later.

When you go home be sure to take everything in your room aside from the linens.  Take the diapers, wet wipes, chux pads, mesh undies, pads, tucks wipes, spray bottle, water jug, everything you can.  Your insurance was already billed for it so take it all with you.  

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

39 Weeks :)

We made it to 39 weeks.  I am hoping to not make it to 40 weeks though.  We have 5 1/2 days left of September.  I'm crossing my fingers we have this baby by the end of the week!  Friday would be ideal, but we'll see what happens.

My body is definitely getting ready.  I'm having sporadic contractions all day and the pressure in my pelvis is getting more and more intense.  I'm pretty sure she has dropped.  She is still not in the ideal anterior position, but hopefully she will turn when labor begins. 

I packed my hospital bag today.  I know most women have their bags packed much earlier but I really didn't want to live out of a suitcase for a month.  I am taking much less stuff to the hospital this time around.  I learned my lesson from last time.  I also packed two separate bags.  One is for the things I will need during labor and delivery and the other is for the things I will need for my hospital stay, which hopefully won't be too long of a stay.  Last time I packed everything in one large bag and Joe didn't want to haul it in when we first went into labor and delivery just in case we were sent home.  That resulted in not having our bag in our room until after Sunshine was born and it had our camera in the bag so we didn't get photos of her being born.  This time I have a small backpack with all the stuff we will need for labor and delivery.  That bag will definitely go in with us.

I finished writing our birth preferences a week or so ago.  Yesterday I took it with me to my appointment and went over it with the midwife who then signed it and scanned it into my electronic file so the nurses will have it when we go into labor and delivery.  I've heard it said so many times that you shouldn't write a birth plan because you will be disappointed with the outcome.  I've also heard people say that those who go to the hospital with a birth plan come out with a c-section.  I don't think this is true, if you go about it in the right way.  I feel like our birth preferences are completely reasonable and still leave room for whatever may happen.  It was important for me to write our preferences down because I do not want to be asked or have to discuss induction/augmentation or pain management, unless there is a real medical need.  I also like having our expectations written down so there is no question on the nurses end and also so we don't get the "routine" labor and delivery.  We hope our preferences are respected and we hope it helps us achieve the birth we have envisioned.

All that is left to do now is wait, and do whatever we can to help jump-start labor.  We hope she comes very soon!

38 weeks

Today marks 38 weeks and boy am I feeling it!  I went to my appointment with my midwife yesterday and found out that the baby was posterior.  I have gotten her to turn for the time being.  I'm hoping she stays that way because I don't think back labor would be good for me with my herniated discs.  I've been feeling back pains with some of my braxton hicks contractions.  Hopefully when it comes time for labor and delivery she will get in the right position. 

The midwives don't "check" their patients prior to labor and delivery so I don't know if I'm dilated or effaced at all.  They don't do it because there is an increased risk of infection and it doesn't really help one way or the other.  I was kind of bummed but at the same time, the baby will come when the baby wants to.

I tested negative for Group B Strep.  One less thing to have to consider.  Also, they offered me a flu shot and the pertussis vaccine.  I was hesitant but realized that we were heading right into the beginning of flu season and I wanted to arm my baby girl with as much protection as possible.  I told the nurse that the last time I got the pertussis vaccine it didn't hurt at all afterward.  I didn't even feel it when they gave it to me.  I am thinking it was a pertussis only vaccine.  The one they gave me yesterday was the T-DaP (tetanus, diptheria, and pertussis).  So she put the flu shot in my right arm and the T-DaP in my left arm...I'm left handed.  My left arm is in so much pain!  It is sooooo sore!  I can't move it without it hurting a lot.  I didn't sleep much at all last night and can't get comfortable at all.  I blame it on the tetanus.  Ouch! 

The clinic I go to is a group practice so whoever is on call when I go into labor is the midwife that will deliver our baby.  Yesterday I met one of the midwives I hadn't met yet and I am really hoping she delivers our baby.  I asked her questions about the delivery and how lenient they will be with me during my labor to avoid another c-section.  She made me feel like she would give me a fair chance with my VBAC and made me feel more comfortable than some of the others have.   Not that the others have expressed a strict atmosphere but she just made me feel more at ease with it all.

I really want this baby to be born in September, not October.  I don't know why, maybe because I don't want to throw Halloween themed birthday parties every year.  September just sound like a good month.  I'm hoping she will be born next week sometime.  I think the 27th would be a good day.  We're working on it :)

3 more weeks!

We are 37 weeks pregnant and have only 3 weeks until our guess date!  We are officially considered "full-term" but I think this baby needs some more time to fatten up. 

We've been busy with preparations.  The nursery is complete, her clothes are washed, and all baby gear has been cleaned and is ready to go.  Joe and I have been practicing relaxation techniques and I've been listening to my birth affirmations.  It is helping me stay more calm and less anxious as we wait for this baby's arrival.  Last night we took Sunshine to a Sibling Class at the hospital.  They talk to the big brothers and big sisters about what a baby is like and teach them some rules to follow.  Then they show them how to put a diaper on, wrap a baby in a blanket, and how to hold them.  They then take the kids on a tour of the labor and delivery unit and the mom and baby unit.  I think it was a bit over Sunshine's head, but she loved the class and is taking such good care of her baby doll.  She said yesterday, "We will go to big sister class and then baby will come out of your belly."  She is excited and I hope she does well when the baby does come. 

My body is definitely gearing up for the event.  I'm having more and more Braxton Hicks contractions that seem to last longer and longer.  I'm also having a lot of pelvic pressure, it hurts to walk for a bit after sitting.  Another thing that is new this time around, I've been having menstrual cramp-like feelings.  I try not to complain much about it all because it just means that my body is getting ready and that's a good thing.

One more thing I'm doing to "prepare" for this baby is pampering myself.  I've been seeing a chiropractor for the past couple of weeks which has helped me sleep so much better.  Tonight I am getting a prenatal massage.  I'm so excited about this, I love massages, they always make me feel amazing.  Next week I plan to get my haircut and get a mani/pedi.  After I'm done with all that this baby is more than welcome to join our family.

We are excited!  Thanks for all your support through this journey!

Nursery

I was a little hesitant to post the nursery, because it doesn't look "Pinterest worthy" and my camera is a simple point and shoot and doesn't take great photos.  Then I read an article about how moms need to stop judging each other and stop being so critical of themselves.  It made me realize that it doesn't matter that the nursery isn't perfect.  I love it and baby will be comfortable in it and it is how I want it to be.  It's cozy and perfect for us.  :)

This was not the nursery I had envisioned, but it's what we ended up with and we like it.  I had plans to paint the room but my husband and I were done with house projects for awhile, so we kept the neutral tan color.

My husband told me if I didn't make him paint the room then he would let me buy a rocking chair.  I found this on KSL classifieds and got it for a steal.

I love finding free printables on Pinterest.  I love instant, free art.

I found this one here.

And this one here.

I love this print!  I got it at Ikea for $12!  It was a lot larger, so I cropped it.  Who needs a bunch of white space, right?  Even after cropping it, it is still a pretty large picture.  Sunshine loves this picture, and I'll probably buy another one to put in her room.   (Also, notice my awesome reflection? haha!)

I have plans to maybe make a crib skirt, I just don't have the energy right now.  It may be a project for later, after baby comes.

That's the quilt I still need to finish.  I had planned to finish it at my mother in law's house last weekend but ended up not being able to make the trip.  My sewing machine doesn't have a perfect stitch and I want it to look nice since it will be quilted.  Hopefully I can finish it before baby arrives.

Dresser/changing table.  Can I just tell you the deal I got on this dresser?  I was browsing the clearance at Target and noticed this beauty.  Regularly $299 and was marked down to $75!  It was awesome and it looks great in the nursery.

I have plans for some more wall art above the dresser.  I have to wait until after the baby is born though, because we still haven't decided the name yet.

I made this mobile and unfortunately the picture does not do it justice.  I found the tutorial for this here.  It was a fun, simple, quick project and it is so much more fun and more modern than what you can buy at the store.  It was also pretty cheap, less than $10.  I did buy way too much felt though, so it probably costs around $5

So, there it is, our nursery.  We are so excited to bring our baby girl home and enjoy this space with her.  I love how it has turned out and I promise you, the pictures really don't do it justice.  This is such a fun time for our family.  The anticipation and excitement is building.  Sunshine talks daily about baby sister and give her kisses and snuggles.  She often asks when baby sister is coming.  Soon, I hope, soon.  She also loves that rocking chair.  It has become our new reading spot before quiet time and bed time.  

As we've been getting things out for baby and buying some things Sunshine asks about them and we tell her its for baby sister.  She then says, "Baby sister will share with me."  Haha, she is so funny and she is so excited to meet her baby sister.  Only 4 more weeks until our guess date!

7 weeks left!

We are nearing the end of this pregnancy and the excitement is building.  I feel sooo much better emotionally than what I had been feeling a few months ago.  I'm back to cooking and cleaning again and I am much more patient with my little 2 year old Sunshine.  Life is going pretty great right now.  Time to switch things up, right? 

Joe and I have been attending our Hypnobirthing class for the past 3 weeks.  We have one more session and I'm kind of sad about it.  It has been a great bonding experience for us.  He has been supportive in helping me practice the different relaxation techniques and is totally on board with it all, even though some of it may seem a bit cheesy.  This class has made us complete believers in painless natural birth.  Any woman is capable of having a painless natural birth, she just needs the right tools to get her there. 

The fears and anxieties I have been feelings are pretty much gone.  I feel confident and empowered that things will go how I want them to this time around.  Thanks to the Hypnobirthing class, I am going to have an awesome birth!  I can't wait to blog about the entire experience on here.

I have been busy getting things ready for baby girl.  Her room was cleared out last week.  Since moving into our home it had become a "catch all" room.  Now, it just has a crib and a rocking chair.  I'm excited to decorate it over the next few weeks and get a dresser and a few other things in there.

Sunshine graduated from a toddler bed to a twin size bed.  She transitioned well and loves her new bed.  She is so excited to be a big sister.  She talks about her baby sister every day and asks when she will be here.  She can't wait and neither can we!

11 Weeks

**Warning** this is a very "scatter-brain" like post.

We are in the third trimester and time seems to be slipping away.  Nothing too exciting has been going on.  I did take my glucose test which is always enjoyable.  I was told no news is good news and I haven't had a phone call about it since taking the test 2 weeks ago so I guess I'm good. Word of advice for those of you who will be taking it in the future...if you have a choice, choose the lemon-lime flavor over the orange flavor, it's so much better!  I was given the orange one when I was pregnant with Sunshine and it was absolutely awful.  This time I was given a choice.  I went with the lemon-lime after seeing that there were 100+ orange flavored drinks and about 10 lemon-lime flavored drinks in the fridge.  It was only half as awful as the orange, still awful, but not as awful. 

This pregnancy seems to have flown by.  Every week I get a little bit more anxiety as time just slips away.  This dang anxiety I have been dealing with is just terrible.  I'm hoping the Hypnobirthing class Joe and I will be taking will help to ease that.

Oh, yeah, Joe and I signed up to take the Hypnobirthing class at the hospital.  It's a 4 session course and each class is 3 hours long.  There are several girls in my ward who have taken the class and told me it's a must if you're attempting a drug-free natural birth.  They teach you breathing techniques and visualization techniques and other things to deal with the pain of childbirth.  I am hoping it will work well for Joe and I.  I have A LOT of anxiety about this birth, I'm assuming because of my experience with Sunshine's birth, and there is some risk and a lot of uncertainties. 

I was thinking about hiring a doula, but I don't think I will.  I have a hard time getting to know people and feeling comfortable around them so I worry that I won't do well with a doula, somebody I don't know.  I'm hoping Joe and I will be able to handle it all together.  I don't know.

Several people have said something along the lines of "Oh, you must be ready for that baby to come."  Honestly, I'm not.  There are countless reasons why, along with my fears and anxieties.  If you've met Sunshine you know how crazy that girl is.  She has a ridiculous amount of energy and is extremely strong-willed.  I ask myself everyday "How am I going to handle another one?!"  I honestly don't know, but it is really starting to stress me out.  I love my little Sunshine so much, but man, she is a handful!

Joe and I still haven't named this little girl yet.  We keep saying we need to, but we really haven't thought or talked much about it.  Probably because of all of my underlying issues.  I also haven't started making a baby blanket for her.  Her room is a complete mess, and just has a bunch of random junk in there.  No paint has been picked for her room.  I haven't gone through my large stash of baby items yet to see what I will need for her.  I just keep putting it all off.

Don't get me wrong, she is a wanted child and she is loved.  The trauma that I experienced when Sunshine was born has really made this pregnancy difficult.  I haven't found a way to move past it and maybe I won't.  Maybe what it will take is having a successful, positive birthing experience this time around.  But that is still an unknown and is still very scary to me.   

I'm grateful to have a husband who is very supportive and lets me cry at random and will comfort me whenever I need it.  I'm grateful he has been there through my crazy thoughts and crazy emotions.  (I really think I am going crazy).  And I am grateful to Sunshine for being so caring whenever I cry.  She always hugs me and kisses me and tells me to be happy.  I don't think I could deal with this anxiety and depression without them.  I am also grateful for this little baby girl in my belly.  I really want this experience to be the best for both of us.  I love her already.

Anxious.

It has been about a month since I have posted on this blog.  Which is really ridiculous since after my last post I have had several close family and friends tell me that they enjoy reading it and are glad that I am doing it.  I just sort of hit a rough patch there and lost focus on a lot of things.

I have debated back and forth about whether or not I should post anything about what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks.  I ultimately decided that I could no longer be secretive about it or continue to feel ashamed and guilty.  It needs to be talked about just as much as VBAC needs to be talked about because I don't think it is discussed much at all amongst pregnant women or mothers.  So, here it goes.  Just so you know, I am feeling a lot of anxiety over this.

With my first pregnancy all I felt was excitement and joy.  Sure I had my moments where I was anxious and worried about my baby, but it wasn't overwhelming just normal thoughts and concerns.  This time around, in the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing overwhelming anxiety and depression.  So much so that I discussed it with my midwife at my last appointment.  She told me it happens to a lot of women during pregnancy due to the hormonal changes going on in the body and can lead to postpartum depression.  That scares me.

I have dealt with depression since I was 16.  Its not hard for me to recognize and seek help when it comes.  For some reason this time it has been overwhelming.  Perhaps it's because it is accompanied with intense anxiety.  I have experienced anxiety before but nothing like this. 

I have only ever heard about postpartum depression.  There isn't much discussion out there regarding antepartum or antenatal depression.  It effects about 20% of pregnant women.  From my personal experience with it, it is awful!  I have lost focus on pretty much everything.  I'm not eating very well either which is putting my baby at risk.  Not to mention the never-ending stressed-depressed-anxious feelings I am constantly having that is also putting my baby at risk.  

Now, I am not talking about this here because I want you to feel sorry for me.  I am talking about it because it isn't talked about.  Until a week ago I didn't know this was something that affected pregnant women.  Had I not read about it in a birth story that I read a few weeks ago I would have never thought pregnancy could bring about depression and anxiety.  And now that I am experiencing it, I want other pregnant women to be aware of it and not feel ashamed or guilty. 

I am figuring out ways to cope with my antepartum depression.  I'm continuing to go to my water aerobics class which helps and I'm relying more on my faith and relationship with my Heavenly Father to get through it.  At this point I have chosen not to take any medications for it because everything crosses the placenta and I don't want the medication to affect my baby. 

If you are experiencing antepartum depression let your care provider know.  They will help you understand that you aren't alone and you aren't broken.  There are a number of ways to deal with it, whether it be exercise, talk therapy, or medication.  You have to begin taking care of it so your baby isn't put at risk.

Fear.

There are people in my life who are glad I am documenting my VBAC journey and who are encouraging me to express my feelings and desires.  There are also people in my life who think I am being a little dramatic.  Perhaps this is true, perhaps I am being a bit dramatic.

I have been thinking about this for a few days now.  Trying to convince myself that I am being irrational and that a VBAC is not that big of a deal.  Maybe it is and maybe it isn't.  I know the statistics by heart.  I have, on average, a 70% chance of success.  At the nurse-midwife clinic I have a 90+% chance of success.  The chances of a uterine rupture are about 1 in 200.  The chances of a catastrophic uterine rupture are about 1 in 2000.  The odds are in my favor.  Its not that big of a deal.  I am not fearful of attempting a VBAC.  The complications that could occur do not scare me. 

So why make such a "big deal" out of it?

I have major fears of the hospital staff that I will have to work with.  I fear that, like Sunshine's birth, I will lose control of the situation.  I fear that this birth will be dictated by someone else and my desires and wishes will be ignored.  I fear that intervention after intervention will be done without proper consent, which will then create complication after complication.  Honestly, the labor pain does not scare me.  I am looking forward to feeling every part of labor.  I just hope that there is no interference from any hospital staff.

These fears come from my experience during Sunshine's birth.  (Click here to read her birth story) When asked about Sunshine's birth I always get a weird, disappointed look when I tell them that it was not a good experience.  When I first started saying that to people I felt bad that I felt that way.  I mean, it was my daughter's birth and she came out healthy and safe so why would I feel that way?  The truth is though,  that it wasn't all roses and ponies.  It was terrifying and traumatic.  Since her birth I have become more and more aware of those feelings.  It was an experience that affected me deeply and continues to affect me.

A VBAC is a big deal to me.  It is MY chance to regain control.  It is MY chance to prove to myself that I am in charge of the birth and I am accountable for the end result based on MY choices.  My body knows what to do, it was created to birth.  It was created to birth naturally, in its own way and in its own time.

Thank you to all of you for your support.

Ultrasound

We had our ultrasound this morning at the Maternal-fetal Medicine Clinic at Intermountain Medical Center.  It was a lot of fun!  Since we've had a child before I was able to better see what was going on.  The baby is healthy - no cleft lip, healthy heart, healthy organs, 10 fingers, and 10 toes.  The placenta is in a great position and my uterus looks great as well.  We've been given the official okay to try for a VBAC!  We are so excited!  We also found out what we are having.  We had pretty much convinced ourselves that we were having a boy because everything has been different with this pregnancy and we were hoping for a boy.  As it turns out, we're having another girl!  We're still excited!  This just means we'll have to try for another one in a few years :)

Sunshine had a lot of fun watching the monitor.  We would tell her what she was looking at and she would get all excited.  She was really excited to hear the heartbeat again, that was her favorite part.  The clinic gave us a DVD of the ultrasound so we'll probably watch it a few times before she is born to help Sunshine get more used to this whole baby thing.

Thanks for the positive thoughts.  Also, thank you for reading about our journey.  I feel like my writing is mediocre, but I wanted to share this with family and friends and anyone else who may be going through this process of attempting a VBAC.  Thanks again!

Mother's Day Book Hunt

As you know Mother's Day is approaching and I have been asked by my thoughtful husband what I would like for a gift.  I really want books.  Not just any books but books about birthing and motherhood.  I have two books on my list so far.  The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth written by a long list of LDS women. The other book is Spiritual Midwifery, written by Ina May Gaskin. 

Do you have any other suggestions?  I am trying to get prepared for natural birth mentally and spiritually.  I am also wanting to better myself as a mother for my daughter.  Any and all suggestions would be appreciated!  Thanks!

Getting Cleared for a VBAC

When I was about 6 weeks pregnant I made an appointment for a free consultation with the nurse midwives at IHC's Intermountain Medical Center.  The first question I asked was, "Can I do a VBAC?"  I was told that they do a lot of VBACs and all of the midwives in the clinic were very supportive of VBAC.  The nurse midwife also told me they had a high success rate but she wasn't sure of the exact number.

After thoughtful consideration I decided to put my care in the hands of the nurse midwives at IMC.  It has turned out to be a good decision.  They are willing to answer any and all of my questions honestly.  At my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks we went over my history.  I told the midwife what had happened with my first child.  She told me I was the perfect candidate for a VBAC.  I was thrilled!

At my 15 week appointment I asked about the ultrasound and what the procedure was in their office.  She said that because I was doing a VBAC I had to go to the Maternal-Fetal Medicine clinic and have the doctors there do my ultrasound.  The reason being, if I end up needing another cesarean section then one of those doctors will be called in to do it.  I was told that in addition to checking out the baby and making sure it is healthy the doctor would check to make sure the placenta isn't covering the uterine scar.  If the placenta is covering the uterine scar then I won't be able to do a VBAC. 

We have our ultrasound appointment next Monday.  I am nervous but at the same time I feel like everything is okay.  It's just one more hurdle to jump over on our journey to having a successful VBAC.  We are grateful that we are being given the opportunity at all.  Joe watched the VBAC portion of More Business of Being Born with me last week.  Watching it again buoyed me up even more.  Knowledge is power!  The battles for VBAC that women previously had to face are becoming less and less.  It is awesome!  I'm grateful for those women who fought before me so I don't have to fight much at all.

Another thing the midwife told me at my last appointment was their VBAC success rate.  She said it is over 90%!  That's much higher than the average with is around 75%.  We are excited!  Hopefully the baby will be happy and healthy in it's cocoon and hopefully everything will be well with my scar. 

Obstetrician or Midwife? + Natural Birth Education

When I found out I was pregnant the first time I had discussed with my husband about having a midwife instead of an obstetrician.  I had just finished a child development class in college that focused on ages 0-8.  The instructor had a midwife come to our class and explain midwifery and natural birth.  I was intrigued by what she had said and I was very much interested in a natural birth.

My husband and I scheduled a consultation with that same midwife.  Things went well but my husband still felt uneasy about it.  His parents are both nurses and so he was more comfortable with the medical based approach.  I was also unsure about it.  I had never known someone who had done it that way.  I wasn't educated on midwifery and natural birth in the least except for that presentation given in my class.  We decided we both felt more comfortable with an obstetrician.

While we were comfortable with our obstetrician and he did, in then end, deliver our baby healthy and happy we decided that next time we wanted a completely different experience.

My first big exposure to natural birth was The Business of Being Born documentary.  If you haven't seen this movie you definitely should.  It is an eye opening film and it made me want to learn more on the subject.  It was after this film that I had decided that the next time around I would have a midwife.  I made my husband watch the film and he felt the same way.  We also watched the documentary, Pregnant in America.  While that one didn't have as big of an affect on me it was also eye-opening and worth watching.

After watching those films I started reading blogs and articles online.  I read several birth stories and I also read articles talking about interventions and the complications that can arise from them.  I read about the power that women have during birth.  The out of body euphoria that is felt.  I read all of this incredible information and educated myself.  I only wished I had read it all before giving birth to my daughter.  I would not have had my membranes stripped.  I would have waited for her to be ready.  I wish I had been more patient with her.

If you've ever met my daughter you know how easily scared she can get.  I was thinking about her fearful nature the other day and I wondered if it is at all connected to her birth.  I know that may sound crazy but she wasn't ready to be born.  I allowed my membranes to be stripped which sent me into labor.  I believe she panicked and that's why the chord wrapped around her neck.  Then she had to endure contractions which slowed her down and in the end was ripped from her cozy cocoon. Call me crazy, weird, or whatever, but I honestly think that she came into this world  scared.  She wasn't ready.

Back to the purpose of this post.

We moved to Salt Lake a year and a half ago so my husband could attend graduate school.  It has been a faith builder for me.  I have not enjoyed living up here much at all but we have been greatly blessed in so many ways.  One of those blessings is the fact that there are other birth options in the Salt Lake area.  In St. George, where we lived before, you had two options.  One, obstetrician or family practitioner in the hospital.  Two, midwife at home who has no privileges at the hospital.  In Salt Lake you also have those two options in addition to a nurse-midwife in the hospital or a midwife in a birthing center.  For my second pregnancy I chose to have a nurse-midwife attend my birth in the hospital.  I debated having a midwife in my own home but because I had an emergency cesarean the first time I felt that It would be better for me to be in a hospital setting  just in case something goes wrong.  I am grateful that we have this option this time around.  We are still getting the midwife philosophy of care while having immediate access to medical interventions if they become necessary.

Since being pregnant I have watched The More Business of Being Born segments.  They have created 4 new documentaries which go more in depth into certain topics.  One of which is solely on VBACs.  That documentary has been invaluable to me.  I've watched it twice now and keep bugging my husband to watch it as well.  I have also read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin.  That was an incredible book.  I couldn't put it down.  If you don't know who Ina May Gaskin is you should google her name.  She has been practicing as a midwife on The Farm for several decades now.  She is basically a self-taught midwife genius.  Read up on her and then read some of her books.  She's awesome!  She also has a documentary coming to Netflix in May.  Oh and if you watch the More Business of Being Born one of the segments is about The Farm midwives.  Watch her, read her, you'll be impressed.  She is a hippie/granola and, to most people, has a peculiar lifestyle and mindset.  She intrigues me and is so honest and spiritual in her midwifery care.  Love her!

The more I read and watch the more comfortable I am with our decision to go natural and have a midwife.  I am thrilled to be laboring and delivering the way it was all intended to be done.  I am also terrified.  A lot of it is still unknown to me.  Will I be able to handle the pain?  Will my body be able to handle a vaginal delivery?  Will it be quick or take 20+ hours?  I have a lot of mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical preparation to do.  I am looking forward to the journey.

Sunshine's Birth Story

I expected Sunshine's birth to be an amazing event.  One that would leave me feeling accomplished, like I could do anything.  Instead, it left me feeling traumatized.

I had a plan.  I printed out a birth plan from babycenter.com and filled in my preferences for how I wanted my birth to go.  No pitocin, no epidural, no episiotomy, and above all everything possible to avoid a cesarean section.  I had this idea in my head that I wanted to go all natural.  It was a well meaning idea, but I had not at all prepared myself to do that.  I didn't read the right books that would give me the information I needed to build up my resistance to any and all interventions.  The only book I read was What to Expect When You're Expecting.  While it gave a good basic run down of everything it did not provide me with what I needed to attempt a natural birth.  My one regret.  I should have educated myself more.

I discussed with my doctor what my wishes were throughout my pregnancy.  He seemed to smile and nod, but never really accepted my wishes.  When I asked questions about possible complications with different interventions he wouldn't answer directly but would tell me that we'd do whatever was best for the baby. 

On Sunday, January 30th, 3 days before Sunshine's due date.  I started to get some mild but steady contractions.  They became 5 minutes apart and although they didn't feel like the real thing we decided to go to the hospital.  When my mother was pregnant with my older sister she felt different all day and when the contractions finally started hitting hard she went to the hospital only to deliver my sister within 5-10 minutes.  The doctor didn't have gloves or a gown on yet.  This story worried me a bit so there we were.  I was hooked up to monitors and they showed contractions 4 minutes apart.  After an hour there was no progress so I was sent home.  Over the next few hours the contractions became less and less.  I was bummed.

We had an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday.  He told us he was disappointed that I hadn't gone into actual labor on Sunday night.  He said he was going to do a pelvic examination to see if I had progressed at all.  He then said he was going to strip my membranes and I would most likely go into labor within the next 24-48 hours. 

At the time I was attending college and was doing my preschool practicum.  Since we lived on the opposite side of campus from the preschool I decided to walk to preschool to help me go into labor.  It worked.  By the time I was done with preschool and had walked home I was definitely feeling the contractions.  By about 4 o'clock they were in full swing.  We decided to go to the hospital at 7:30.  With the way I was looking they decided to put me in a laboring room instead of an observation room.  They put the monitors on me to check my progress for an hour.  As I laid in the bed I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I didn't feel like I was in a good position but its what I did because that's what everyone does right?  After an hour I hadn't progressed.  My doctor was called and he told them to keep me and get me started on pitocin.  Yeah, that wasn't on my birth plan.  I didn't feel like I had a choice though.  I wasn't asked if I wanted pitocin they just told me that's what they were going to do.  I am a non-confrontational person.  I like to keep the peace and I am pretty passive in situations like this.  I didn't refuse the pitocin. 

As the nurse was getting the IV started Sunshine's heart rate dropped to 80 bpm.  Suddenly there were about 5 nurses in our room having me roll over to my side and putting oxygen over my face.  I was asking if everything was okay and I was told everything was fine and this was pretty common.  I wanted to slap someone.  There are 5 nurses in my room doing multiple things to me and everything is fine?

Her hear rate went back up as the contraction ended.  They called my doctor and he said he would be in to evaluate me.  While we waited her heart rate dropped again.  Soon it was dropping with every contraction.  Suddenly there were more nurses and CNAs in my room.  They began scrambling to get an IV in me.  They poked both of my hands about 3 or 4 times each and I finally told them to just put it in my arm.  They said they needed to get fluids in me.  They got the fluids in and then started pitocin.  Pitocin makes contraction ridiculous. 

The doctor finally arrived and said he would like to do internal fetal monitoring to get a better read.  Her hear rate continued to drop with every contraction.  He then said he was going to break my waters.  That felt really weird.  When it came gushing out he discovered there was meconium in the water.  Everything was working against us.  With all of the chaos that was going on I began to panic.  I couldn't handle the pitocin induced contractions and asked for an epidural.

I soon began to feel a lot of pressure.  My doctor said I may have progressed quickly and I could be ready to push.  He checked me and I was at 4 cm.  He then said that because her heart rate was dropping low with every contraction he felt it was best to do a cesarean section.  My heart sank, I was devastated.  He then said that we needed to do what was best for the baby.  I knew she needed to come out and it needed to be quick.

I asked Joe and my doctor to give me a priesthood blessing.  After the blessing every thing went so fast.  They prepped me, rolled me into the surgical room and she was out.  It took about 20 minutes from the time of the blessing to the time she was delivered.  When the doctor pulled her out the chord was wrapped around her neck.  It was good that we had gotten her out when we did.

Sunshine was born at 11:11 PM, weighing 6 pounds 2 ounces and she was 19 1/2 inches long.

Because of the distress she was having and the mecconium in my water they let me kiss her and then they whisked her away.  I was sewed up and rolled back to my room.  My husband had gone with Sunshine to make sure everything was okay and to be there with her.  I wasn't able to see Sunshine until a little after midnight.  While she was away from me she was bathed, given shots, had the gooey stuff put on her eyes, and had her footprints done.  All of these things could have been done after I was able to hold her, nurse her, and bond with her.  Thankfully when they brought her to me, 45 minutes later, she was ready to eat and latched on right away. 

The following days went better than could be expected.  She took to breastfeeding really well and we were able to bond quickly.  I fell in love fast.  Though nothing went according to plan I am grateful that she made it safe and I am grateful that we have the technology and methods to save babies who need it.

I will have a VBAC

I haven't blogged on here for quite some time now.  I kind of gave up on whatever it was I was doing with it.  But now I would like to start up again and focus on something that is near and dear to me right now. 

I have one daughter who turned 2 in February.  She is an amazing, bright, little girl who is full of so much energy.  I love her with all my heart.  Because she is that amazing we decided to try for a second baby.  We found out we were pregnant with our second child right around her birthday.  I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and things are going well.

When I had Sunshine (our first child) I ended up having an emergency c-section.  (I will post her birth story at a different time).  I was devastated when that happened and have focused a lot of my attention the last 2 years on becoming more educated on all aspects of birth, specifically VBAC which is a vaginal birth after cesarean.  I have learned a lot about VBACs and have also learned a lot about natural birth.

I want to document my journey and hopefully find some other women who are going through the same thing.  It is exciting and scary at the same time.  A VBAC is all that I am hoping for with my labor and delivery this time around. I'd like to leave you with a quote from Ina May Gaskin.  It is a powerful truth and sums up why I want to have a VBAC.

"Whenever and however you intend to give birth your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit for the rest of your life."